A letter to Santa

Dear Santa,
Hi, how're things going at the North Pole? Hectic, I'll wager, what with the big day about a week away... I hope you're finding the time to take care of yourself, we want you jolly and red-cheeked come Dec 24! It was so nice to see you last year at Grandma's house. I understand why you had to rush off, maybe this year I'll have some cookies and milk ready to go. Dad really enjoyed his can of Coke, I know it's silly but little things really do make a difference. If you can swing it this year, I bet he'd really like one of those little airplane-sized bottles of whiskey to go with it. I am betting he lets me take the bottle home, so try to make it an interestingly shaped one.

For myself, Santa, I would like to make a few requests. I know I'm a little old for this sort of thing, but you can't blame a girl for wanting to believe in magic, now, can you? I already told Keith what toy I want for Christmas, which is a computer small enough to fit in my purse, which seems like a pretty selfish thing to want considering the state of the economy, I know. I won't be sad if I don't get that toy, cause really, I don't have a whole lot of time to play with toys anyway, although it would be SO Awesome to be able to go to my favorite bar after work and drink Guinness and smoke Camels while surfing the Internet. But I'm not asking you to bring me an ASUS Eee PC.

I really want you to bring me a garbage can with a lid. I know my husband is way too romantic to buy me a garbage can for Christmas, but I really want one. I guess I don't NEED one, because the system I've worked out now, where I have a cardboard box over the top of the garbage can weighted down with a 10 lb tub of cat litter, it seems to be effective. Inconvenient, YES. But it keeps the dog out of the garbage (and constantly reminds me to change the cat litter also). I just sometimes see those shiny stainless steel cans with swinging door lids, and think... "I wouldn't have to pick up a ten pound tub of cat littler to toss this piece of trash in the can, then fix that cardboard box just so..." I just think lidded trash cans are a marvel of modern architecture and one would look so incredibly nice in my kitchen.

Also, if you can swing it, could you throw in a set of pot holders? You know, Oven Mitts? Because I used to have some but they've disappeared, and I'm forever folding the sleeve of my sweater over my hand, or groping about in the oven with a wadded up dish towel, neither of which is particularly convenient or safe.

And while I'm thinking about the stove, I'd like to point out that I'm still using the saucepans that Grandma Virginia gave us as a housewarming present when we first moved in together. Back then they were non-stick, but since then we've eaten a good deal of the teflon coating, so now they're mostly naked aluminum. (Kinda makes me never want to cook on a non-stick pan ever again.) This time last year I would have asked for a couple of pieces of LeCreuset (in fact, I did) but I'll settle for a plain 2 quart stainless steel saucepan and a moderately sized stock pot, preferably with glass lids. You can pick them up at Target, or Martha has some nice ones at K-Mart.

And lastly, Dear Santa, do you think you could spare an elf or two after the holiday, because I sure need someone to help me clean my daughter's room. Aww, who am I kidding? I need 10 or 12 elves to help me clean my whole house! And maybe one could stay on to follow my family around and pick up after them? It's really not that difficult, a coffee cup here, a pair of socks there, a magazine or book out of place every half an hour or so. Sometimes he will have to clean up dog poop (but by the time I find it it's usually fossilized anyway), and sometimes the cats puke up hairballs or big chunks of grass. All in all it's not a bad job but I just don't have the time. I have several self help books I could lend the elf, and within a week or two we'll have established a routine and the house will stay clean! If you can't spare an elf though, I understand.

Happy Christmas Santa, thanks for reading my letter. Have fun making all the little kids wishes come true! And I'm dead serious about the trash can.