This was the first birthday in a long time that I didn't go camping. Instead Mom came up and we had lunch and ate Bonnie Bells cupcakes at the Arboretum. We went to the mall, I got a haircut. It wasn't even bad enough to be fun, it was just, "meh."
This morning I got up early and was sad, and nervous, and just plain unhappy. So I went to the woods. Cooper's Rock was not full of crowds yet, and I picked a trail I had explored once or twice before. It took me about half an hour to find the end and make it back to my car, so I decided to go back down it and check out another branch I'd seen but not taken the first time.
I met a pair of hikers coming towards me, and we traded info. They said they'd come from the reservoir, and I told them I'd come from the old campground/picnic loop. We met up again about an hour later on the Roadside Trail as we headed back to our cars.
I walked to burn through all this stress I have been carrying around. It worked a little bit. Every little bit helps! My butt is sore, I think I covered 7 or 8 miles today! But now I am back home in this cluttered but empty house, and the creeping sadness and fear return. I feel very lonely, very disconnected. Just the birthday blues, I guess, on top of the struggle to figure out who I am and what I am going to do with the rest of my life.
I think I'll go to Target and buy a yoga mat with my birthday money. I hear that practice can help.